It has been quite some time since I have sat down at my laptop, and typed anything out. To bring the world up to speed - I now have two adorable little girls, I am a Veterinary Technician student, and my boyfriend and I are living together and making due with one income.
My first little girl, Piper, is a handful. I knew she would be from the day she arrived, but she has solidified my suspicions over the last two and a half years. She is funny, smart, gorgeous, caring, and anything else you could ask for in your toddler. But just like any child of my bloodline, she is a spiteful, tantrum throwing, quick to anger child. She tests my patience up to the maximum at least twice an hour, but then once she has been disciplined she wants to cuddle on my lap. Piper is the most challenging thing in my life. But I love her more than anything, except her sister and father, that I love equally.
Evelyn is my second child. As of tomorrow she is 4 months old. We call her Evie, or Noodle. Most of the time the name of choice is Noodle. I love her to death. This pregnancy for lack of a better word, sucked. Towards the end I began having heart rate issues. They would skyrocket to as high as 155 bpm. It was pretty scary. I wasn't fond of the experience. But after a quick and fairly easy labor, she is here.
Evie and Piper are so incredibly different that is baffles me. I can't begin to imagine how it will be when they are both older. However, so far it seems that they are quite fond of each other. Piper is always playing with Evie, and Evie will just laugh and smile at her big sister. It makes me so happy that it almost hurts.
Parenthood is one of those things that can make you happy, yet incredibly sad at the same time. Learning how to deal with that has been a great challenge. I'm still learning.
I began school after Piper's first birthday. I couldn't imagine being one of those people who work in groceries stores for the rest of their lives, and trying to support myself and a child. The circumstances were right, so I began school only one week after inquiring about it. I called my school, made an appointment for information, and began a week later. I was so scared. But I was very excited.
It has been very hard. Once I begin to get ahead and start understanding things better, something happens to set me back. Such as issues with babysitting, illness, and lets not even get started on when I got pregnant with Evie.
This month for example, I had a 93.47% in my class (Laboratory Techniques). All that was separating me and an academic excellence award was 1.53%. Let me back it up a bit an explain my babysitting situation before going any further. Monday and Tuesday a family member watches the girls. She can't stand it, but she does it. Wednesday, Ethan's coworker's wife babysits the girls. Finally, on Thursday, Ethan stays home from work with the girls. Now back to my previous complaint of this month...
Today is our first day of the last week of this class. I had to miss it. I miss lecture, lab time, class participation points, essential skills, anything you could do on a Monday I missed. I had to miss because my Monday babysitter is unreliable. Can't be trusted to forward pertinent information on to me about when and why she can't babysit so I can make other arrangements. When the only other arrangement that can be made is negotiated, said babysitter decides that they do not feel like watching the girls. After that bomb is dropped, I then get another bomb stating that this person can only babysit ONE day a week from now on.
So not only am I missing today, but I am left to find arrangements from here on out. Stress to the max. But I am determined. I will do well with school, I will pass all my classes, and I will figure something out. I won't let anyone get in my way, family member or not.
As for Ethan and I, we have our rough patches. Just about as many rough patches as happy times. But the day we stop fighting is the day we may as well give up on us. When you lose the will to fight, you lose to will to keep trying.
I hope to someday feel like I'm emotionally healthy enough to agree to marry him and have his last name for my own. As of right now, I don't want to get married when I have to struggle every day to be happy. I want to be a happy person and not let anything kill my moment when I do. I don't think he understand that or realizes that it's not just an excuse. But maybe someday he will.
He loves being a dad, and on top of that, is the best dad that I could ask for my kids to have. In the past three and a half years, I have seen him do a complete 180. I love it. I wish it had happened differently sometimes. But we're together, we have our family and that is all that matters. We fight, but we fight for us, we fight for our girls, and we fight to survive.
Sincerely yours,
Brittany
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